Quotes from “The Comeback Kid” after the cut. If I’ve missed your favorite, let me know!
Leslie: This is a huge job. This is going to require a lot of late-night one-on-one jam sessions with me, and we’re gonna bounce ideas off of each other, and you’re gonna have to take calls for me, any time, day or night.
Leslie: Ann, you beautiful tropical fish.
Leslie: You’ve resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands.
Ann: No I haven’t.
Leslie: You haven’t?
Leslie: You will. You’re that good of a nurse.
Leslie: Ann, don’t listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes and say yes.
Leslie: Your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing like one. I don’t want to have this conversation again.
April: Wow, you’re doing a really bad job.
Andy: I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.
Leslie: It’s true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional assassins? No, they’re committed by friends and coworkers. That analogy was way better in my head.
Andy: His name is Champion. Because he’s the dog world champion.
Ben: Okay I have to ask this, I’m sorry, but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?
April: Except for digging. He’s really bad at digging.
Andy: Terminator said, “I’ll be back,” and he was.
Tom: Also making a comeback: the casual Hawaiian shirt.
Jerry: Well well well, look who’s ahead of the curve.
Tom: I was joking. You should soak that in bleach and burn it.
April: Shut up Ann, I told you never to talk to me. That was Champion. Oh my god, I’m sorry. Bad dog.
Ron: I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable incompetent thief.
Chris: I find calzone fatty. And unnecessary.
Chris: Ben is massively depressed.
Leslie: See, there’s more things to look at on the Internet than naked guys, Ann.
Tom: How do you make any event classy on a budget? Red carpet. My entire apartment is red carpet. On top of that, leading into my bedroom, a second red carpet. Oh, what’s this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I’m walking on red carpet.
Ron: Tom, we’re already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl’s lap.
Leslie: Oh my god, I’m feeling it! I’m gonna breakdance! Wooooo! Heeey.
Leslie: Coming! Thank God.
Andy: Oh look, the police even love it, they’re sirening back to us! That’s awesome, I’m just gonna tell him that we heard him. Heard you bud!
Leslie: The past is great. The jitterbug, stage coaches, Herman Munster.
Ron: Officer, I’ve been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what laws are we breaking exactly?
Officer: Well you got four people in the front seat, nobody’s wearing a seat belt, you were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone, the rear of the vehicle is open, debris been falling out, and you don’t have a commercial license to drive a truck.
Ron: Okay. Well we then have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.
Officer: I need to see your hands and could you step out of the vehicle please.
April [on cell phone]: Hi, I just wanted you to know we’re about to be arrested.
Leslie: Okay, I’m gonna go down there and get them out, because men in uniform love me.
Leslie: Do whatever it takes. Anything short of sexual favors.
Leslie: I do not, I repeat, I do not want you to tempt him with sexual favors.
Ann: I wasn’t going to.
Leslie: Good, I wouldn’t either, that’s where I draw the line. Although I am a little offended that you wouldn’t do that–
Ben: Pizza? Never heard of it. That’s what people will be saying in 20 years because pizza is old news, Chris. Pizza is your grandfather’s calzone.
Chris: Never thought of it that way.
Ben: I will call my new Italian fast casual eatery the “Low-Cal Calzone Zone.”
Chris: That idea is literally the greatest idea I have ever heard in my life.
Chris [to the camera]: That idea is terrible.
Peter “Pistol Pete”: Sometimes life dunks you.
Ben: I’m kind of tearing this Claymation video a new one right now.
Chris: I’ve known you a long time, and right now, you need help.
Ben: With my Claymaish?
Chris: With your life. You are wildly, insanely depressed.
Ben: Do you think a depressed person could make this? No.
Ben: Oh my god. That’s the whole thing.
Ben: I emailed Leslie two days ago and I compared it to Avatar, Chris. And how can it not be longer?!
Andy: We had to Jetsons most of the poster too, but I kind of like it! Cause windows are the eyes to the house.
Leslie: Dammit Jerry, you just had to do your job didn’t you.
April: Yeah, can’t you do anything wrong, Jerry?
Tom: I couldn’t afford enough premium carpet to get us to the stage. I mean, it was a short walk, but it was pretty luxurious, right?
Chris: Drink up. Cause it has every herb in my herb belt.
Ben: I think I’m feeling better.
Chris: Herbal smoothie, you have done it again.
Leslie: Together we can defeat obese children. I’m sure that was something positive originally.
Leslie: Ann, you’re fired.
Ann: Oh thank God.
April: Don’t make out, it’s making Champion sad.
Ann: Oh, I can’t though, because I’m married.
Leslie: You’re not married. She’s not married.
Ann: This is uncomfortable.