Perdric: That’s a hilarious image. A foot in a mouth.
Leslie: He’s like a brilliant, sexy little hummingbird.
Ben: What did you just say?
Leslie: Nothing. Keep up the good work. You’re doing great.
Leslie: He’s like the Godfather, but old.
Ben: He’s like the grandfather, the grand Godfather.
Leslie: Please don’t get up.
Ned: Don’t worry, I can’t.
Ned: Just joking. I can get up.
Ned: But it’s difficult. But I can do it. But it is hard.
Ned: Look, I don’t have a lot of time.
Ben: Oh god, I am so sorry. Cancer?
Ned: No, I don’t have a lot of time before my swim aerobics.
Ron: Isn’t there a men’s gymnasium where you could do that?
Chris: The world’s my gymnasium, Ron!
Ron: Either we complete a government project, which is abhorrent to me, or we bring a new person into the department, which repulses me to my core. Reminds me of when my dad made me choose which of my pet calves to slaughter with my own hands for my sixth birthday. I couldn’t choose, so I slaughtered both of them. And they were delicious.
Leslie: Like I always say, stairs are a young man’s game.
Ned: Damn straight.
Leslie: Check out this picture. She’s eating egg salad with Colin Powell. That’s the most impressive thing I’ve ever seen.
Leslie: As a candidate I appreciate your strategic mind. But as a woman all I care about is your slight but powerful body.
Ron: Hello Ann Perkins.
Ann: That’s the first time you’ve said my entire name correctly.
Ron: Nonsense, we are close friends.
Ann: Kiss one water fountain drinker, you’re kissing everyone in Pawnee.
Leslie: Do you know Joe Biden? He’s on my celebrity sex list. Well, he IS my celebrity sex list.
Jennifer: Oh trust me, you can do better than Joe.
Leslie: Oh, no, I don’t think I can. No way.
Campaign ad: I’m Leslie Knope. And when I grow up I want to be a unicorn princess or a city councilor.
Leslie: You’re right, and I should listen to you always because you are a man-genius with a taut narrow frame like a sexy elf king.
Ben: Do you wish I were taller, or what’s going on?
Leslie: Nothing, you’re perfect!
Tom: What’s the best kind of water fountain? How about no water fountain. This is the Voss water butler by Toombi. At only $600 a bag.
Donna: Do I look like I drink water?
Chris: I have found five candidates I would like to hire, and two I would like to be lifelong friends with.
Tom: Everything I’m wearing is suede! Everything I’m wearing is suede!
Ron: This is a rare example where wasting a full day of work is a bad thing.
Donna: I think Ben’s already filling the Leslie void.
Chris: I’ll give it up for that.
Jennifer: If you love chess, which I do, but you don’t have anybody to play against, which I don’t, then sometimes you just gotta play yourself.
Ron: I’d like to talk about your future.
Ann: Why are we on this bench, this is weird.
Ann: Should I go?
Ron: Oh, you’re still here? Yes.
Perdric: Let’s begin this show by starting it.
Perdric: Now it’s time to move on to our next segment, which is a commercial.
Leslie: I am going to get drunk, and then I’m going to order a three course meal where each course is dessert.
April: I don’t wanna do things. I wanna not do things. Just like you taught me.
Ron: I’d rather you start a business or use your hands to farm, but right now the department needs you.